Tired.

I want...

A life like... A phone commercial.

Where you run around town in a hot dress... Holding someone's hand. 

Hair flowy and flying up in the air, like a pony.

As if the world... Wasnt going to end and end all at once.

I want that free love feeling. As if someone will not leave me behind.

I want to be worthy of that someday.

I don't want to be the girl who's loved and easy to let go anymore.

Love.

I don't know what's worse:

Telling me to go out alone on New Year's Eve and my birthday or,

Sending me into harms way. 

I want to know you.

I want to peel back your layers of skin

Pry open your ribs and dig through your flesh

Unwrap your heart and crack open your skull
To peer into your mind, to gaze at your soul
I want to unleash your essence, feel your truths
Navigate the maze of your delicate fingerprints
Run my fingers through your past
Flip through your index of memories
I just want to know you

Wade through your thoughts
Slip into your hardships
Shake hands with your sins
Feel the sting of your first love
Bathe in your compassion and wash away your fears
Dream with your subconscious
And become conscious of your dreams
Plunge into your eyes to see all you have seen
Be a pupil in your pupils and reside in your mind’s eye
I just want to know you

Taste your success and the salty sweat of your failures
Wrap my arms around your vulnerability
And absorb your immense strength
Slit open your doubts and drain your worries
Channel your energy and dance with your spirit
Drink in your beliefs and swallow your desires
I just want to know you.

How are you living? Written in 2010.

I haven’t felt like this in awhile. Lost.

It seems everywhere I go everything around me falls apart.
I’m starting to question myself? If somehow or somewhat I have an effect in it all?

People play with each other’s feelings, dragging people that have nothing to do with anything into it… all for control? Power?
But what power really? What power do we have? And over what?
If by chance we’re here… what’s there to obtain but a life to be lived? If not by chance we have something that controls all of it, us being the puppets of some freak show!

The question remains, what power?

Goes from Religion to Work; covering Gov., relationships, et cetera et cetera…

Religion was created to control the mass.
If GOD is perfect and we’re his creation, we Ought to be perfect and we’re not.
If GOD is good why would he allow one of his own to rot in hell?
How old are stars? And in the bible how old do they say the Universe is? (not to mention that the Bible says Universe when the chance is that there’s INFINITE UniverseS!)

People are oblivious to the truth because they are afraid of running out of hope. But there’s so much to hope for than lies and make-beliefs.

If everyone was smart enough.. We’d be driving around in the universe right now, sleeping in Jupiter, running on the moon. But they tend to spend all the money in weapons to kill one another… humanity is INSANE!

We kill our own kind like irrational animals… It’s egregious.

Mainly people try do dry you out. Suck the energy out of you, your life! Sometimes for jealousy, sometimes for power, other times for mere vengeance.
People can tell you and do lots of things. People can take away your “freedom”, your liberty of speech but they cannot kill an idea.

And those, I will never run out of.

I am alive and I won’t die, ever. I am!

World, look out!

Death.

I have been feeling sick for years,

Like I am slowly dying...

Well, I am.

7 Days Without Facebook.

After reading the book "Buddhist Boot Camp", I realized how much time I spend on things that do not matter, mainly Facebook. So, I decided to be off Facebook for a week to see how it went and how much my life improved by doing so. I tracked my days and my improvement, here it goes:


Day #1

It was hard.
After all, Facebook is a "drug" (habit) - and like all habits it's a tough one to break.
I started by waking up and NOT checking my phone (trust me, I had to remind myself not to), at all. (it used to be the first thing I did in the morning, open one eye and check Facebook!) -- How sad is that!? I decided to NOT touch my phone and take the time to think on what I would do next.
I chose to meditate. At first, I told myself that the bed was warm, that meditating is silly... and that it was just pointless to do all this! But once I got up and I sat down, in the quiet and annoyed with the fact I wasn't in my warm bed and wondering what the hell was going on Facebook... something strange happened, my mind stop wondering and all of a sudden I was just happy to be alive.
Seriously, when was the last time you just sat down and thought... wow, I am happy to be alive? It was nice thought after nice thought... The strangest thing ever.
Then, I had plenty of time to get ready... And by not touching my phone, instead of taking 2h to get ready, took me 20 minutes, gave me time to eat breakfast, feed the dogs, clean the house, prepare coffee to take to work... all the things that I am always running around to do and make me late to places! -.-
Today I am happy that everything went so smooth and that I got to places on time.
Downfall to the first day was that everytime I turned on my phone, it immediately took me to Facebook. (but I never cheated). I just finally logged off facebook on my phone and deleted the app. So by no means would I even feel tempted to do it!


Day #2

I woke up, picked up my phone and just checked the time... Got up, did 10 push-ups, 100 sit-ups, did some cleaning, fed the dogs.
Life is good, my day off, it was weird to be off and not be on Facebook... lol so I went and did my hair, bought some food, a new nail polish, painted my nails... took the day for me and catch up on some reading!
Now that I am not on Facebook, it actually annoys me when I see someone checking it. HA-HA! Like when you are talking to a person and they are on their phone, I seriously feel disrespected by it. Like, your time is that much precious than mine? Where I can give you my undivided attention but you can take time for me as you're doing something else... wow!


Day #3

I didn't even look at my phone, in fact I think I even forgot to charge it. lol
Woke up, did some meditating. Happy thoughts, happy thoughts. I have been paying more attention to close friends and I am getting better at answering their texts right away. It makes me happy that I can have time for things that seemed so hard to keep track before. Today was a busy day! I had school, work, volunteered at St.Francis and then had to babysit a puppy. (and I was early/on time to all of those!) :D


Day #4

My phone definitely died, I actually brought the charger to Kechi just so Chris could charge his phone. So my phone was dead all night (and I did not miss it at all). Chris and I have been spending more "quality" time together, since we are not so focused on checking Facebook and everything else in the world. It feels good to just enjoy the moments as they come... and not be stuck on a picture that was taken 4 years ago (pictures of events that you weren't even there) - why do we spend so much time looking at what has passed? Or planning? I feel liberated. Today something interesting happened. At dinner Chris said: "You look happy." (I think this was the first time anyone has ever said this to me...)


Day #5

After meditating, working out for the past 5 days, and not checking Facebook, one thing has changed drastically; I can sleep. I have had the best nights sleep, ever.
I almost feel like I could just quit Facebook... and just dedicate all that time with more reading, more thinking, more writing.
My psychology teacher asked me something interesting: "If anyone were to pass by Wichita, Kansas, how would they ever know you are/were here?" and "What has been the most important decision of your life?"
[I think we spend so much time being like everyone else and just saying that we aren't that we never leave a mark, we never leave (or give) anything.] and it's sad to realize that most people do not have an answer to that 2nd question. I have that answer.


Day #6
Everyone was concerned and I was back on Facebook but wasn't posting -- kept checking it though.

Day #7
Game Over

Pedras...

Caminhando pelas areias da vida, deparei-me com um obstáculo à partida incontornável. Uma pedra! “Tudo o que sucede, acontece por alguma razão”, por isso, parei… observei, tentei perceber até que ponto, aquele pequeno objecto me obrigava a parar o caminho há muito traçado. Não encontrei qualquer explicação lógica, que me permitisse entender o porquê do sucedido!Pensei, olhei fixamente o objecto insignificante… os pensamentos, as hipóteses assolavam-me mas nada me levava ao verdadeiro objectivo daquela pequena pedra. Parei… a memória foi a aliada do momento, lembrei que mesmo o mais pequeno espinho nos faz parar uma caminhada determinada. O pequeno espinho permite que pensemos nos pormenores que decidem a nossa vida. A correria diária faz com que a vida passe sem que cheguemos a ver o que realmente é importante…permitimos que ela se acumule em fotografias e memórias que se vão esfumando com o tempo… A pedra permitiu uma reflexão, por mais pequeno que o seu tamanho fosse, foi o suficiente para parar uma caminhada objectiva, determinada e concreta… a caminhada de viver! Todos os acontecimentos quotidianos não são suficientes para uma aprendizagem, temos que nos aperceber que a vida se faz de pequenos pormenores… tão pequenos como a pedra!Segui pela estrada onde as pegadas daquele acontecimento foram apagadas pelo tempo… não sem antes levar a pequena pedra no bolso… quando um pormenor importante, um acontecimento mínimo que pode decidir o meu caminho me escapa por distracção, ou mesmo, por uma consciência inconsciente, a pedra está lá… permite que volte atrás e aprenda mais uma lição! Peguei na pedra e lembrei todo o sofrimento que passei ao longo deste pesaroso e longo caminho que é a vida... As lições de vida não acabam porque queremos ter sempre quem não nos quer, a tal pessoa errada que existe para nós e que sabemos que nos vai fazer sofrer mas mesmo assim queremos te-la ao nosso lado. É a condição humana de quem tem um coração, faz com que assim seja e pensamos... “O coração doi?”, sim. Sofre de dor, uma dor que não se vê e magoa tanto ou mais como a dor visivel estampada no rosto de quem se fere fisicamente.Voltamos a olhar para a pedra, um objecto sem vida mas que nos acompanhou em tantas aventuras e desventuras amorosas, apertámo-lo na palma da mão e somos sugados para as memórias infelizes de quem ama. A alma pede que pare mas somos consumidos por tudo o que nos magoou.... Qual o objectivo de tudo isto?? A pedra funciona, como sempre, como o objecto da alma que armazenou tudo o que nos envolve a memória e, mais uma vez, lembramos que ela está a impedir – como espinho cravado num pé – que tomemos o caminho mais fácil, o da desistência própria dos perdedores que temem todo o tipo de dor.Ajoelho-me e pego um pouco de terra pisada por milhares de pés e beijada pela brisa do vento num fim de tarde de Verão... ouço todo o seu sofrimento diário e sinto que não me posso entregar, não desta forma, sem lutar.

Moving on...

How true is the feeling of letting go
when even before the words were said
actions would show...

No scrub.

I love the 80s.

More specifically, I love the teen movies of the 80s.

Why, you ask? Because they were heavy on the angst and drama.

I must admit, I love me some relationship drama. And sometimes, I kinda miss it.

My marriage to Hubs, while great in numerous aspects, occasionally lacks the intensity and theatrics of my previous relationships. There is arguing, yes. (I mean, we're not called The Bickersons for nothing) And there is passion, too. Admittedly, less intense than when we first started dating, but it's there.

But what there isn't? THE DRAMA.

There is no boom box playing a Peter Gabriel song outside my window at 3 in the morning.

I never coveted him from afar, wishing he'd break up with his girlfriend and notice I was alive, all the while having my family forget my birthday and being annoyed by a nerd.

We never faced family and peer persecution because we were from opposite sides of town, resulting in a traumatic prom experience.

He never paid me to hang out with him and make him cool, and after the whole school found out and shunned him, I realized how much I really liked him.

We never started out as enemies, got to know each other, discovered everything we had in common, and fell in love after spending an afternoon in detention in the school library.

Bottom line is, real life isn't like that.

In real life, when you are in a good relationship, you don't break up five times, yell about how much you hate each other, sleep with your ex, and then get back together and live happily ever after.

In real life, it's not a good relationship if you have to play games and manipulate the other person into things.

(I mean, except when I manipulate Hubs into doing stuff for me, like laundry or other housework. But I am able to do that because he loves me.)

There comes a point where you tire of the games, of the uncertainty, of the instability.

At least, I did.

There comes a point where you just want someone to be real with you. To tell you how they feel, and where you stand with them.

And there comes a point where even a girl who thrives on the drama wants to know that no matter how bad the argument or how angry the man, he's not going anywhere.

Maybe it's not as exciting as a movie, but it's real.

(Plus, who wants to be a teenager again? I mean, sure, 27 is looking pretty good right now, but 17? No thanks.)

(Except I'd really like to still get away with daily wear of glitter eyeliner. Oh well.)

15 minutes of fame...

I missed my 15 minutes of MTV fame.

I might or might not have abandoned my blog for awhile...

I got out of the blog groove, and I'm finding it kind of hard to get back in.

But then last night, inspiration hit, and here I am.

While watching MTV's Engaged and Underage, I realized that I missed my chance. I could've been on this show when I had my first wedding. Damn it!

We would've been the greatest Engaged and Underage couple ever. We had all of the qualifications.

Ridiculously young and naive? Check!

Facing opposition from our well-meaning families? Check!

Dubious means of supporting ourselves? Check!

Numerous break-up type fights? Check!

Low budget "grown up" wedding? Check!

Adamant refusal to acknowledge the potential disaster of the situation? Check!

Tears and hurt feelings abound? Check!

I can't believe I missed out on that situation. If you watch the show, you know you can go to MTV online to see how the couples are doing post-honeymoon. I'd like to nominate the idea of a show that catches up with them a couple years later to see who is still together.

We could take bets.

(Not that I'm pessimistic or anything.)

(Although, I am a big proponent of the starter-husband. Seriously. A must have for the young college coed. Yes, a little awkward post-divorce, but you're a pro the second time around.)

(AND it's fun to joke with Hubs about how I turn 'em and burn 'em. Keeps him on his toes.)

Le sigh. I guess I'll just have to wait for another opportunity to be on TV.

(Maybe Hubs and I could be on Family Feud! Or Deal or No Deal!)

Sucks for you, MTV!!

You have no idea what you missed.

Not a choice.

I do not love you except because I love you;  I go from loving to not loving you,  From waiting to not waiting for you  My heart moves from cold to fire.  I love you only because it's you the one I love;  I hate you deeply, and hating you  Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you  Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.  Maybe summer light will consume  My heart with its cruel  Ray, stealing my key to true calm.  In this part of the story I am the one who  Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you, Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

All you need is you.

Do you know what makes my heart hurt? Listening to others tell me they are okay ignoring and neglecting what their heart is asking for, screaming for because they are scared of what will be, and terrified of leaving the comfort of the agonizing discomfort they are surviving in, day in and day out. Yesterday was the last straw for me. I haven’t felt anger in a while, but it made me angry to hear yet another sister, bargain with herself. I sat across from a lovely, strong, complicated, self sufficient woman who turned to a puddle of weakness in front of me as she made excuses as to why she should remain unhappy, misunderstood, unappreciated and imprisoned by choice, in a life, with a partner who no longer fulfills nor desires to listen to the needs of her heart. So, this morning when I woke up, I decided I’ve kept my mouth shut for long enough. I need to say this out loud— I’ve listened to one too many women make excuses and attempt to rationalize why they remain in a life that’s violating their spirits and trampling their esteem. I’ve been there, in that place, defending why I’m staying in an environment or with a person who has become a stranger to my soul. I am fully aware that there is no amount of inspirational dialogue, support or encouragement that could have dragged me out of there. Nothing was going to change, until I was ready, and then, one day, it became unbearable—my heart, my body, my mind was searing with pain and I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t concentrate on anything, but my misery. The distractions I created weren’t enough to squelch my burning needs, any longer. I know this may be an extremely socially inappropriate example, but it helped me, and was an appropriate visual of my heart at the time. I will never forget the images of September 11th, of the people who jumped from 100 stories high because the smoke and heat became intolerable. The only option was to leap. It came from a primal place, a protective place, to save themselves, even though death was their fate. Death is the absolute. We are all going to die. So, how do you choose to live? Even with death impending, you have a choice to live without the inflicted suffocation of containment in a life that will without a doubt destroy you, from the inside out—or you can fling yourself out of the window, into the open air and free of the destruction. If you’re waiting for the right day, the right time, the right amount of money, the right age of your children to be, the right moment—it will never come. You are going to have to do it knowing you can’t go back. Trust. Our world is in desperate need of all of us right now. We are being called to embrace our strengths and contribute to the world by doing our work. Just remember, every single moment you remain coiled in a ball of fear, our world fractures just a little bit more because your heart is breaking, aching to be acknowledged, by you. Listen, and then take action. Be brave. Save yourself, save the world.

Love me...now.

Love me Softly with your words Tickled with thoughts, pure Touch me gently In the places fingers get lost Suck me into your depth But first, I need to know — You aren’t going to leave It’s how I’m safe to feel Safe Safe Then, my mouth will fall To your lips Grasp for you In sweet allure Your eyes captivate The epitome Of trust Bottomless Is the well of your heart This This is where we’ll start.

Trust is a choice, not a feeling.

“You have to make a decision to take a leap of faith and trust him, or don’t, it’s your decision,” my best friend said to me the other day. I haven’t thought about it like that, ever—that trust is a choice, a state of mind. I always thought trust was a thing, something gained or lost, earned or destroyed, influenced by the actions of another. I assumed my ability to trust someone else was in their control, but trust really has nothing to do with the other person. The trust I have for someone else is determined by how much I trust myself, and hold myself accountable for decisions I make. This spring, I began reconciling with the man I love. Our relationship ended abruptly. It was devastating. A nightmare, really. I had no choice but to confront what happened and live my life again, without him. Things were said, things were done, on both of our parts. I had to learn how to forgive him and myself without conversation or contact. Over the coming months, I did forgive, and as I did, my shattered heart healed. I started trusting again—myself, that is. Wonderful things have happened over the past year. I traveled, went back to school, dated other people, but something was missing—him. I missed him in the way a rainforest misses rain, or winter misses snow. We found our way back to one another. We reconnected. We apologized. What we endured previously did not alter the fact that the love we share between us is mutual and unshakeable, except for one undeniable issue—I didn’t know if I could trust him again. I believe it is possible to love someone and not trust them. Love isn’t dependent on trust, and trust isn’t dependent on love, but trust has everything to do with a relationship. A relationship is dependent on trust. If I desire to have a relationship with the person I love, then yes, I must trust him. Trust is the mortar of connection, and the creator of the ability for two people to share a life together, harmoniously. Without trust, a healthy relationship is impossible. I’ve noticed some old patterns of mine resurfacing as he and I begin to rebuild. The other day, he said to me,“You want to trust me, you want to trust me more than anything, but I’ve done things to cause that trust to waiver. Now, you are trying to determine how to do it, how to believe me, again.” That is exactly my conundrum—how do I trust him again? This is what inspired the conversation I had with my friend, in which she reminded me of the power I have in this situation, in every situation. How do I do it? I just do it. Everything we do in life is done by making a decision, yes or no—trust is no different. I can trust him, if I choose to, or I can choose not to trust him—it’s solely my decision, a daily decision. Every day, I wake up, you wake up, we wake up, and we decide what to do, what to think, what to feel, who to spend our time with and who not to. We make choices of what to believe, and what not to believe. We decide who to trust, and who not to trust. Make a choice, and then, enter love. Love enters because love is faith. Love is hopeful. Love wants to believe. I love him so very much. I want to be a part of his every day and him, a part of mine. It is because of the faith I have in myself, the trust I have in my decisions, that I am able to take a leap of faith and trust. It will be a conscious choice I make every single day. Maybe it will change, but I trust this is the decision my heart needs and wants, now. I choose to trust. I choose to love. I choose to believe in him, and most importantly, I choose to believe in myself.