I'm a figment of ones imagination.. [sigh]

"A vida e uma peca de teactro que nao permite ensaios."

Somehow, my life has a sense of humor.
There were 2 essential things in my life: Love and Portuguese. And eventually, I'll end up losing both.

Isn't that incredible?

For what? Money? Or is it what I once heard, LIFESTYLE? [lol!]
Is it worth it? In the end? Is it worth it?

I see the big picture. Do you?
Med school, I'll have the credibility that some have.
I'll be able to help.
To have.
To give.
To take.

I'm 19yrs old why do I have to make it so complicated and unhappy on myself?
If all life takes it's a bit of courage? Sacrifice...

When I die, will I look at the great things I did? And appreciate the fact I took this road I chose?
Or will I carry the heavy cross of letting go what once was everything to me?

For a long time, I haven't felt this way.

For some reason I had a nightmare I was at my mom's and someone died. I had all my friends and family around. [never saw who actually died...];

This morning when I woke up, I found out my dad had a major heart attack, but he's alright.

My mom was talking to me on the phone, and even tho the circumstances, I felt happy. We had such a peaceful talk. It was like being her little girl again.
She was so concerned. She asked me to drop it and leave.

"It's more than normal to let go, and you're so young..."

What she meant was...

"It's not normal to let go of us, and you're so unhappy..."

I could hear in her voice. That's the voice she would have when I used to say I wanted more out of life... That I had to leave, 'cause there would have to be more out there than that!

It's funny 'cause I ended up crying on the phone and telling her I was so sorry; what a good mother she always was. Thank her for all the love and education she somewhat gave me.
That I feel proud of her. And that I miss her. That the things I was always talking about of looking for, were with me all along, I just never realized.

I'm so ungrateful. And I never appreciated anything. She always tried go out of her way to keep me happy. I just never saw it with this perspective.

There are some decisions in life, that have to be made out of love. Not, false pretensions.
I'm worse than I thought. And I stick with it, over pride.
I feel so ignorant.

Now I have things that everyone wants. And I'm not satisfied.
It hurts. 'Cause for a second there I actually thought I had fooled me.
Why do I have to think?

I'm going insane.

Life is so short and the only we have... How do you live with your decisions?

And to end all this, I must say, I try...