My old man.

I saw a picture posted on Facebook of an old man sitting at one end of a bench and sitting on the other end was an old lady. The old man has a scowl look on his face, and it's raining.  He has an umbrella but he is holding the umbrella out away from himself to the other side of the bench over the little old lady sitting there. This means that the scowling old man is sitting there in the rain (getting wet). This picture has a caption that sings: "LOVE IS CARING FOR EACH OTHER EVEN WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY."

When I saw this picture I downloaded it immediately and it became my new laptop wallpaper.  That little old man holding an umbrella away from himself, these two people were not sitting side by side, even though you could tell from the expression on his face, he was angry at her, unselfishly, loving her, caring about her... he sat in the rain.  

That made me think of you, of course. Any reader of my blog would agree (if they knew you), no matter how angry you are at me... I may be at the time, stubbornly refusing to move closer to you to share the umbrella, so both of us would have shelter from the rain.  You would hold that umbrella out, away from yourself, over my head. 

I am sure you're smiling, as you realize this is about you, and that you indeed would sit in the rain for me.    

I know who I am.  I have flaws, we all have faults and flaws, things we would like to change.  Realizing these faults, knowing your own flaws, that's one thing but saying them out loud is something very different.  Hearing them, recognizing that voice... it's your own voice.

I was raised in a household with two parents and five siblings, from time to time a grandparent or two and even some "foster children". Pride was on the highest rung of the "SUCCESS" ladder.  You needed no extra schooling to climb this ladder but you had to step on many fingers.  You did have to develop a tough outer skin, hold your feeling within and no tears! So I am sitting here, telling you, you're that old man... And that I know that even if you were angry, because of one of my many many many flaws and faults; You, because you love me, you would see/seek to my well being, always, and I am confident of this.

I have made my mistake when I made it real.   When I made this personal.  When I opened my mouth and compared us.  I fight to let go of that high rung step with almost every decision I make.    If I were sitting with the umbrella and it started to rain...  how wet would we both have to be before I would open the umbrella?  How long would I make you wait before I offer some relief from the rain?

I am crying silently for a minute.

These internal battles I fight, do they exist, because of the way I was raised?  Am I who I want to be?  I'm not.  I want to be pleasant. I want to be someone you want to call friend.  I want to like who I am.   Someday I  hope I can blindly and selflessly dedicate myself and love you in abundance, as you return such love to me.

Marriage, Love... Isn't for me.

 I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.

Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.

I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. I mean, good times will be had by all, nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The more I realized how in love I was (and am), the closer I approached the decision to marry (and being with him FOREVER), the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was he the right person to marry? Would he make me happy?

Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.

Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.

My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “YOU are being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you." (I was in such shock!) "You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”

It was in that very moment that I knew who was the right person for me, who I was to marry (as cliche as that sounds!), I realized that I wanted to make him happy; to see him smile every day, to make him laugh every day, to make him breakfast, rub his back, write him daily notes in the bathroom mirror. I wanted to be a part of his family, and my family wanted him to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times we talked about future kids, a family, love, I knew that he was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.

My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.

No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”

Some time ago, my lover showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, years, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.

But instead of matching my selfishness, he did something beyond wonderful—he showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and aguish I had caused him, he lovingly took me "in his arms" and soothed my soul.

Marriage is about family. Love is about just BEING.

I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. 

While his side of the love had been to love me, my side of the love had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised myself that I would try to be better.

To all who are reading this—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.

And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.

Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for those you give your love to, your life.

Today I ask myself... Am I ready? Is he making the right choice? Am I the right person for him to marry? Would I make him happy?