I'm a figment of ones imagination.. [sigh]

"A vida e uma peca de teactro que nao permite ensaios."

Somehow, my life has a sense of humor.
There were 2 essential things in my life: Love and Portuguese. And eventually, I'll end up losing both.

Isn't that incredible?

For what? Money? Or is it what I once heard, LIFESTYLE? [lol!]
Is it worth it? In the end? Is it worth it?

I see the big picture. Do you?
Med school, I'll have the credibility that some have.
I'll be able to help.
To have.
To give.
To take.

I'm 19yrs old why do I have to make it so complicated and unhappy on myself?
If all life takes it's a bit of courage? Sacrifice...

When I die, will I look at the great things I did? And appreciate the fact I took this road I chose?
Or will I carry the heavy cross of letting go what once was everything to me?

For a long time, I haven't felt this way.

For some reason I had a nightmare I was at my mom's and someone died. I had all my friends and family around. [never saw who actually died...];

This morning when I woke up, I found out my dad had a major heart attack, but he's alright.

My mom was talking to me on the phone, and even tho the circumstances, I felt happy. We had such a peaceful talk. It was like being her little girl again.
She was so concerned. She asked me to drop it and leave.

"It's more than normal to let go, and you're so young..."

What she meant was...

"It's not normal to let go of us, and you're so unhappy..."

I could hear in her voice. That's the voice she would have when I used to say I wanted more out of life... That I had to leave, 'cause there would have to be more out there than that!

It's funny 'cause I ended up crying on the phone and telling her I was so sorry; what a good mother she always was. Thank her for all the love and education she somewhat gave me.
That I feel proud of her. And that I miss her. That the things I was always talking about of looking for, were with me all along, I just never realized.

I'm so ungrateful. And I never appreciated anything. She always tried go out of her way to keep me happy. I just never saw it with this perspective.

There are some decisions in life, that have to be made out of love. Not, false pretensions.
I'm worse than I thought. And I stick with it, over pride.
I feel so ignorant.

Now I have things that everyone wants. And I'm not satisfied.
It hurts. 'Cause for a second there I actually thought I had fooled me.
Why do I have to think?

I'm going insane.

Life is so short and the only we have... How do you live with your decisions?

And to end all this, I must say, I try...

Moonlight Sonata [by Ludwig Van Beethoven]

"It seems like it's telling the story of my life;

Once Upon a Time..."

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..

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She AlMoSt FeLt ThiS WaY

Promised to be here in this night,
Dressed in pearls and crowned a bride,
But my love has lost his need,
To have me as his everything,
Anothers eye's have caught his lips,
Soft and tender as they kiss,
He shared our bed with her silky skin,
Now and never can I forgive,
But need I not for he has gone,
And left this shadow all alone,
Plunging now into my death,
Forsaking love my final breath.

~(...)OnCe UpOn @ TiMe I WaS FaLlinG In LoVe NoW I'm F234567 FaLliNG Ap@rT(...)~

I couldn't resist putting this song on my blog.

The song itself is great. But the word "F234567" added to it, it's just, priceless.


"(...) [turn around], every now and then I get a little bit terrified of seing the f234567 look in your eyes. [turn around...] Every now and then I fall apart, f234567 every now and then I fall apart. And I need you now tonight I f234567 need you more than ever(...)"


OMFG!

~Inside Joke~

Is it a "thing" of best friends to have inside jokes?
Wheather the answer is a yes or a no; this one
always "makes" my day:

sTeWie:
"PETER! Those are cheerios..."

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~As ReQueSTeD by "Stewie" ThiS POeM Is DeDiCaTeD ToOo My DaD~

Dad I really love you,
And that's coming from the heart
But I've kept this inside way to long,
You've torn my world apart!
Drugs have ruled your actions
And they're ruining your life
You're missing the satisfaction
Of a wonderful life.
You're missing the beauty life holds for you
And I wish that you would see
You're missing the only chance you'll have
To be a real model for me.
Through all the pain I've grown stronger
And also a little wise.
You've put me through a lot
For a girl my size.
I know inside it's painful,
And it must be really hard.
To act like you've got it all together,
You could win an academy award.
You blame other people
For the flaws that you've known
You always make excuses
Why we can't be alone.
It's only a simple drug test
There's really no alarm
To make sure your heads clear
So you can keep me from harm.
Going to the courthouse
It is just a little ride
It shouldn't be a problem
If you've nothing to hide.
The reason for the drug test
Is to show that your drug free
And the reward you get for passing it
Is to be with me.
My friends don't understand
How can you be this way
They ask why you choose drugs over me
And this is what I say;
I tell them you have a disease
And that you're really sick.
If it wasn't for the illness,
I'd be the one you'd pick.
I tell them it's really powerful,
And you can no longer feel -
The same feelings we all do -
You can't distinguish what is real.
I explained it affects those close to you
And messes with your head
And those who choose not to get help,
Usually end up dead.
Some people get help sooner
And start to get well
But some just don't want it
And live a life of hell.
They loose sight of what life's all about
Their priorities are misplaced
They numb their minds and bodies
To everyday problems we all face.
They're accountable to no one
As soon they stop growing
They always hurt the ones they love
And money they end up blowing.
They think their entitled
To everything they desire.
And by all those around them
They want to be admired.
Those that don't admire them,
Are usually the ones that get the blame,
the ones that want them to get help,
Isn't that a shame?
They act like everything's alright
And there is nothing to hide.
They become afraid to ask for help
This is called false pride.
Theirselves, bursting all the wounds
Inflicted on the ones that care
And all the secrets they hold inside
Become a heavy cross to bear.
The cross gets heavier and heavier
Until they can no longer stand
With chemicals they numb the pain
Rather than asking for a hand.
It's a disease and there's a cure
That I know, for sure.
This maybe be a little selfish
And I'm thinking way ahead
But one day I may need your guidance
Can you help me if your dead?
I'm still quit young and the time may come
When I might choose the wrong road
We need to work on you first
So you can help me carry my load.
I may need help getting back
To the pathway to heaven above
So if you are already on the good path
You can lead me to Gods love.
I am here to help you
And I wanted to say
I won't enable you anymore
By acting like it's "okay".
I want a real dad
One that's drugs free
But I realize you can't do it
Just for me...
I know you think you love me
But to our hearts we must be true
You are incapable of loving anyone
Until you first love you.
You don't have to hurt the ones you love
You don't have to take, you can give
You can be honest, trustworthy & pure
And have a great life to live.
You know I love you dad
Love surges from the heart
But respect is something you must earn
And this would be a good start.
I'm not going to beg,
I'm not going to plea
But think how great your life could be
You could spend it with me.
I was scared you wouldn't love me
Of telling you what I just said
But I'll take the chance and say it now
Rather than risk you being dead.
Dad I really love you
You'll always be in my heart
I've kept this inside too long
And now, I've said my part.

(crying)

~Hope~

On Sundays, I listened in the very front pew
As the preacher told us how much “God sure loves you”
And “God is our father” and since fathers are love,
Children would understand the love from above.
The children in church smiled at fathers who beamed,
Yet I sat alone, and just wanted to scream.
I’m sure Pastor Mateus believed that a child
Would equate Father God to a dad’s love so mild.
But for me, I related a God who was mean;
Who would find me and shake me and spoil all my dreams.
For if God our Father is like dad on earth,
I didn’t want to know Him; too much would it hurt.

Growing up poor in the smallest of towns,
I never had much - just my mother around.
But Mama was busy – much too busy for me.
She had to work hard for her children to eat.
When Dad wasn’t drunk, he was loosening his belt,
Relieving his stress causing his children welts.
My father’s large hands were a frightening sight -
Not for caressing, but for fists poised for fight.
No one to love me, and no one to care.
I wailed to the heavens, hoping God would just hear
The cries of abandonment (as broken hearts do),
Yet there came no answer. God abandoned me, too.

The decades will pass. Mom and Dad, then.
Yet my unhealed scars won't be buried with them.
That burden I carry will not be released.
And often I tried to be deceased.
Of all my emotions, not one has been joyful or free.
I lived off the anger that burns inside me.
No one to love me, and no one to care,
Until finally I found someone wondefully rare
Who taught me of love and fullfillment and joy,
That will make me a mother of a sweet little boy.
For IF God's love is bigger than the love I now know.
When I cradle my son and feel joy as he grows -
Then the pastor was right about a "parent's love",
And the best of all dads - God, the Father above.