My old man.

I saw a picture posted on Facebook of an old man sitting at one end of a bench and sitting on the other end was an old lady. The old man has a scowl look on his face, and it's raining.  He has an umbrella but he is holding the umbrella out away from himself to the other side of the bench over the little old lady sitting there. This means that the scowling old man is sitting there in the rain (getting wet). This picture has a caption that sings: "LOVE IS CARING FOR EACH OTHER EVEN WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY."

When I saw this picture I downloaded it immediately and it became my new laptop wallpaper.  That little old man holding an umbrella away from himself, these two people were not sitting side by side, even though you could tell from the expression on his face, he was angry at her, unselfishly, loving her, caring about her... he sat in the rain.  

That made me think of you, of course. Any reader of my blog would agree (if they knew you), no matter how angry you are at me... I may be at the time, stubbornly refusing to move closer to you to share the umbrella, so both of us would have shelter from the rain.  You would hold that umbrella out, away from yourself, over my head. 

I am sure you're smiling, as you realize this is about you, and that you indeed would sit in the rain for me.    

I know who I am.  I have flaws, we all have faults and flaws, things we would like to change.  Realizing these faults, knowing your own flaws, that's one thing but saying them out loud is something very different.  Hearing them, recognizing that voice... it's your own voice.

I was raised in a household with two parents and five siblings, from time to time a grandparent or two and even some "foster children". Pride was on the highest rung of the "SUCCESS" ladder.  You needed no extra schooling to climb this ladder but you had to step on many fingers.  You did have to develop a tough outer skin, hold your feeling within and no tears! So I am sitting here, telling you, you're that old man... And that I know that even if you were angry, because of one of my many many many flaws and faults; You, because you love me, you would see/seek to my well being, always, and I am confident of this.

I have made my mistake when I made it real.   When I made this personal.  When I opened my mouth and compared us.  I fight to let go of that high rung step with almost every decision I make.    If I were sitting with the umbrella and it started to rain...  how wet would we both have to be before I would open the umbrella?  How long would I make you wait before I offer some relief from the rain?

I am crying silently for a minute.

These internal battles I fight, do they exist, because of the way I was raised?  Am I who I want to be?  I'm not.  I want to be pleasant. I want to be someone you want to call friend.  I want to like who I am.   Someday I  hope I can blindly and selflessly dedicate myself and love you in abundance, as you return such love to me.