~ LameNess ~

I live in a world made up of ugly. You can watch me revolt away from one angle,
to the next, and to the next… and to the next.
Until I’ve done a 360 degree circle around myself, and don’t know what to do anymore.
It’s the space between me and the mirror, and how much I dare to get closer.
To examine every repulsive detail and to leave, shrinking from the world made up of ugly, feeling exposed to every shameful attacking fiber within.
The nice things people tell you don’t matter, unless you think nice things of them or care
about what they think to begin with.
It’s a shame that their veracity sells for so little until the moment they say something awful. Because whatever negative thing they might say, whether from a backstabbing friend or a stranger, it’s never anything new to you. You’ve been telling yourself that all the time.
It’s a fleeting thought riddling with anger, a thought that you understood and believed in for what seemed like forever.

... At first I thought the world had problems, now I’m sitting here and looking at myself in the mirror and realize that it’s all me.

The next thing I know I am sprawled out on the floor in my own vomit. A flash of bloodcurdling red before my eyes and screams of hate are deafening. The smell is nauseating and I am inches from blacking out.

This was what I wanted more than anything; to fade away from reality into utter darkness. I wished for more than anything to disconnect from hatred.
People change, I reassured myself, just show them you believe in them, and they will come to realization that what they did was wrong. Plus, they love me, they will change.

This is the price you pay for putting every inch of you into another.

The fucking price you pay.

And that’s when I stood in the bathroom, wondering what the hell is wrong with me
and why I couldn’t be stronger to make the right choices and stand up for who I was
and what I believed in. It was frightening, my reflection.
Because that wasn’t me… it was a monster.

There are moments in life when you feel like you are watching yourself from the outside.
The moments that matter are the ones that wake you back to reality…like this moment.
And then you feel your heart break. There is nothing you can do.

There's no worse feeling than feeling alone.
When you feel you can't count on anyone...
When you feel like the world turned the back on you, or maybe,
you turned your back to the world.
When you feel like there's no hope. No feelings.

However, thinking of losing my mother, for an instance, I feel worse...
... I feel like I'd lose, not the world... but myself.

I don't want no vengeance... in my life.

I want to learn how to live with my past, without having to miss anything.
I want to be able to add life to my days instead of adding days to my life.
I want to love NOW, 'cause the past is not coming back and there might not be a tomorrow.
I want to risk, I don't want to miss out... 'cause the only permanent thing in our lives is Change.

Nonetheless, it's not necessary a huge ray of intelligence to realize what I mentioned above,
but it's necessary a good dose of wisdom to accept it.

We don't see things like they seem, we see them like we are.

"Let determination be part of our lives."