Marriage, Love... Isn't for me.

 I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.

Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.

I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. I mean, good times will be had by all, nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The more I realized how in love I was (and am), the closer I approached the decision to marry (and being with him FOREVER), the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was he the right person to marry? Would he make me happy?

Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.

Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.

My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “YOU are being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you." (I was in such shock!) "You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”

It was in that very moment that I knew who was the right person for me, who I was to marry (as cliche as that sounds!), I realized that I wanted to make him happy; to see him smile every day, to make him laugh every day, to make him breakfast, rub his back, write him daily notes in the bathroom mirror. I wanted to be a part of his family, and my family wanted him to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times we talked about future kids, a family, love, I knew that he was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.

My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.

No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”

Some time ago, my lover showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, years, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.

But instead of matching my selfishness, he did something beyond wonderful—he showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and aguish I had caused him, he lovingly took me "in his arms" and soothed my soul.

Marriage is about family. Love is about just BEING.

I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. 

While his side of the love had been to love me, my side of the love had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised myself that I would try to be better.

To all who are reading this—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.

And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.

Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for those you give your love to, your life.

Today I ask myself... Am I ready? Is he making the right choice? Am I the right person for him to marry? Would I make him happy? 

Home...

I find it so funny that it took me this much time to realize
that what I want and need has been an option this whole time.

There's no place like home...

Butterflies

Walking down the street,

Staring at my feet...

... As I wonder about the past

And how moments with you would always last.

A day with you seemed like forever,

Maybe because we never thought of never.

We lived for that moment...
Like two kids with a warrant.
Always on the run, always doing something,

Like there was no tomorrow..*

Little we knew, there was no tomorrow.
And now we sit here aching.

*Like a daughter/fathers last dance...

Like a lovers last kiss...
... like a last chance,

We lived on that edge,
like we knew one day we'd miss.

And now we live with a wedge...

Missing eachother but yet far

So I sit in my bed and play songs in my guitar.

Songs that remind me of you,

Songs that make me cry on how happy you made me...

that make me wonder if you miss me too...

Songs that me feel butterflies in my tummy.

Loving You...

Theres something about you

That makes me feel for you, like I do.

Its stillness of the heart...

Its feeling you here, even apart.

Is seeing you smile, in my thought.

It's falling yet get caught.

It's knowing the feeling...

Unsure of it's meaning.

It's the completeness

That I feel when you're near...

It's the emptyness

When you leave that I have to bear.
It's dreaming of you even awake...
Is having this feeling for you I cannot shake.

It's wanting to leave yet not be able to...

Is feeling in love even when I cry for you.

Is feeling like I got punched in the gut

when you do me wrong...

It's keeping my mouth shut...

It's holding on, be strong.

Its forgiving,

Even when you don't say sorry.

It's talking,

When things get blurry.

It's thanking in my mind

Whoever let you go in the past

Glad things with them, did not last...

...someone like you, is hard to find.

Is feeling love sick, is feeling blind,

Is feeling in love, is feeling kind...

Is feeling you are so right to me...

Is seeing what you yet cannot see.

And I wait, for you to awaken

As you sleep there, half broken...

And I sit here and I smile

Because waiting for you is worthwhile.

Story...

Since young I knew you existed
That someday we would finally meet…
Little I knew, about it being this twisted
And the story turning so bittersweet.
I was never blind by you
Although, I was a dreamer…
A dreamer of something anew,
An Idea bigger than you and I;
I didn’t aim for the sky,
I did dream much, much higher.
And at one point I sat there
Waiting for change…
You did become very strange…
And the person you were? Nowhere!
I looked around, where was everyone?
Nowhere to be found, gone,
Just like you, my friends became unknown
And there I was, in a world all alone.
I managed to yell and cry
So many times, it became too often
3 years have passed by
And my pain? It has never soften.
I grew into this sarcastic bitch
Ready for my story to go on…
Open wounds, not even one stitch
In this everlasting battle, nobody won.
I did not just lose you to time…
I have lost my heart, my life, my soul,
I lost hope, myself: became a mime.
I lost the chance to see my story unroll.

Our World

A special world for you and me
A special bond one cannot see
It wraps us up in its cocoon
And holds us fiercely in its womb.

Sometimes it hurts to fit us there...
Sometimes you wish you were elsewhere..
But then you feel that warm strong feeling
And not even doubt, will shake its meaning.

Its fingers spread like fine spun gold
Gently nestling us to the fold
Like silken thread it holds us fast
Bonds like this are meant to always last.

And though at times a thread may break
A new one forms in its wake
To bind us closer and keep us strong
In a special world, where we belong.

Gods Tears =/

Rain bears reminding of God's bitter tears
Lost are his blessings in cold, hardened fears.
He cries for lack of empathy
He cries in souls divided
He cries when people's endless hate
Forever gets ignited.
He cries for the lies that are hidden...
When preachers say: "Come to church you'll be forgiven".
In truth we know it's all about control of the mass,
It's like the control those don't have that like smoking "grass".*
It's politics, it's religion... it's rules that cause so much fear.
It's blindness. It's a truth people cannot bear.
Every felt raindrop brings stain to creation
Removed from the people he once felt relation.
Can't find morality in religion's betrayal,
Turns with disgust from extremist's portrayal.
He weeps when faced with persecution
He weeps for rights refrained
He weeps in words that seek to hurt
In bigotry sustained.
Rain clouds gain pattern from God's lonely perch
Intolerant speech marks an unholy church
He cries in lost inclusive virtue
He cries the narrow mind
He cries in doctrine twisted 'round
That only serves to blind
Rain hopes for cleansing what preaching's disgraced..
Compassionate values might be more embraced.


* Even tho I don't do drugs, have never done it. We all know the reason why marijuana hasn't been legalized it is because it can't be controlled. Has nothing to do with being "right" or "wrong". (Even tho I find it stupid why people do it at all...)

Life is amazing...

When you don't know what to do?
Should you do nothing?

~

When you don't know what to say?
Should you just listen?

~

The best thing anyone has to offer is love.
(followed by respect and trust);

~

How can someone even ask for that?
How can people take something that is not given?

~

There are no "You Have To" in this life.
Have To Do's are for followers not for leaders.

~ Prince Charming, not... ~

The soothing voice that fills my ears

A laughter tender so
Every moment within his midst
Is all I need to know.

Finally re-felt his gentle touch

His body warm to hold
Kisses melting upon my lips
His beauty I behold.

He lays behind me & there is quite a "flow"...
In his arms he holds me tight...
His passion rises in basking glow.
My love I can’t deny.

With morning comes new realizations
Another evening’s past it seems
Even as loving as it was, with new aspirations...
Was just another of my dreams.

Now each life I cling with need
My lover I hope I find
As eyes grow heavy and thoughts grow dim
I seek him in my mind.

I've been dreaming for days,
Nearly or close to fall,
Prince Charming, If I may,
Isn't a Prince after all...

Charming, yes you are,
Manners are alack,
You're not worth wishing that star,
I always wait for you to be back?

And Prince, I'd like to tell you this,
At least once before I go,
I really LIKED U A LOT.
I've got no more cards to show.

Glass slipper ain't mine,
I am not asleep either,
I have two feet just fine.
So don't think I'm your Princess neither.

I won't be dreaming today,
Neither will I fall
He may or not be a Prince,
But He ain't mine after ALL.

* Say and See It *

A girls Deepest Fear is to fall in love with a man who has no face.
A man who pretends to be someone and in reality become someone else.
A girls deepest fear is to have her heart broken and torn apart, to love and not be loved back.
So what happens when that deep fear actually happens?
The heart grows cold and the girl turns into a woman...
Can't guys ever tell when they are hurting someone who loves them!?
But then theres some PEOPLE who make you think there in love with you; But in the end they make you tear; Then love makes you fear; Because you dont want to go...
Chewed and threw it away... make you feel like they were bored. And just wanted something to do. So they decided to be with you OK now "I love you"; Next minute I'm done with you...
... so watch who you love, watch what you do, choose the right person with the right meaning when both of you say "I love you".
By then you'll know she's the one, so you just focus on her, and let your love for eachother...
... Last Forever (even if forever doesn't last);

---Now Think About This---

If a girl cries in front of you, it means that she couldn't take it anymore.
If you take her hand, she would stay with you for the rest of your life;
If you let her go, she couldn't go back to being herself anymore.
A girl won't cry easily, except in front of the person whom she loves the most, she becomes weak.
A girl wont cry easily, only when she loves you the most, she puts down her ego.
Guys, if a girl cries because of you, please hold her hands firmly, because she's the one who is willing to stay with you for the rest of your life.
Guys, if a girl cries because of you, please don't give her up, maybe because of your decision, you will ruin her life.
When she cries right in front of you, when she cries because of you, look in to her eyes, can you see and feel the pain and hurt she's feeling? Think.
Which other girl have cried with pure sincerity, in front of you, and because of you?
She cries not because she is weak, she cries not because she wants sympathy or pity, she cries, because crying silently is no longer possible, the pain, hurt, and agony have become too big a burden to be kept inside.
Guys, think about it, if a girl cries her heart out to you, and all because of you, it's time to look back on what you have done, only you will know the answer to it.
Do consider it, because one day, it may be too late for regrets, it may be too late to say...
"I'm sorry."

Real Eyes - Realize - Real Lies <- That Is L o v e

~ LameNess ~

I live in a world made up of ugly. You can watch me revolt away from one angle,
to the next, and to the next… and to the next.
Until I’ve done a 360 degree circle around myself, and don’t know what to do anymore.
It’s the space between me and the mirror, and how much I dare to get closer.
To examine every repulsive detail and to leave, shrinking from the world made up of ugly, feeling exposed to every shameful attacking fiber within.
The nice things people tell you don’t matter, unless you think nice things of them or care
about what they think to begin with.
It’s a shame that their veracity sells for so little until the moment they say something awful. Because whatever negative thing they might say, whether from a backstabbing friend or a stranger, it’s never anything new to you. You’ve been telling yourself that all the time.
It’s a fleeting thought riddling with anger, a thought that you understood and believed in for what seemed like forever.

... At first I thought the world had problems, now I’m sitting here and looking at myself in the mirror and realize that it’s all me.

The next thing I know I am sprawled out on the floor in my own vomit. A flash of bloodcurdling red before my eyes and screams of hate are deafening. The smell is nauseating and I am inches from blacking out.

This was what I wanted more than anything; to fade away from reality into utter darkness. I wished for more than anything to disconnect from hatred.
People change, I reassured myself, just show them you believe in them, and they will come to realization that what they did was wrong. Plus, they love me, they will change.

This is the price you pay for putting every inch of you into another.

The fucking price you pay.

And that’s when I stood in the bathroom, wondering what the hell is wrong with me
and why I couldn’t be stronger to make the right choices and stand up for who I was
and what I believed in. It was frightening, my reflection.
Because that wasn’t me… it was a monster.

There are moments in life when you feel like you are watching yourself from the outside.
The moments that matter are the ones that wake you back to reality…like this moment.
And then you feel your heart break. There is nothing you can do.

There's no worse feeling than feeling alone.
When you feel you can't count on anyone...
When you feel like the world turned the back on you, or maybe,
you turned your back to the world.
When you feel like there's no hope. No feelings.

However, thinking of losing my mother, for an instance, I feel worse...
... I feel like I'd lose, not the world... but myself.

I don't want no vengeance... in my life.

I want to learn how to live with my past, without having to miss anything.
I want to be able to add life to my days instead of adding days to my life.
I want to love NOW, 'cause the past is not coming back and there might not be a tomorrow.
I want to risk, I don't want to miss out... 'cause the only permanent thing in our lives is Change.

Nonetheless, it's not necessary a huge ray of intelligence to realize what I mentioned above,
but it's necessary a good dose of wisdom to accept it.

We don't see things like they seem, we see them like we are.

"Let determination be part of our lives."

~ HoPe HaS a NaMe ~

For me to exist brings truth to the Idea
This reason alone is reason to fear..
To have your life vision and all you hold strong
Walk into your life, what if all this is wrong?
Can hope still remain if hope was found true
Would hope become false if I ever knew you?
Believe in the bible believe that god cares
But would god become real if he answered our prayers?
If answered they are, will your back then turn,
Would hope start to fade from fear of the burn?
That if hope should fail... just think of the cost...
But if you don't hope, you're already lost!
For what is hope worth if we find it and not try;
Is life worth living if living a lie?
So you'll not give in, you'll travel the earth...
You'll find your life's vision, your mission from birth!
A message of hope you sent in your mantra
Hope has a name, her name is Lisandra...

"Grow Old With Me..."

I've never been so close...
...being so far.
If not the distance,
What can do us apart?

I'd walk the world
I would try my best...
Let's prove everyone
We're different from the rest.

We might have days...
Where we'll yell, argue & fight
But everything will always get better
As long as I can hold you at night.

You are the love I'll find in this life
If not, I don't know what love is
This feeling makes me feel so alive
Like, no one ever felt like this.

I wish you were in my mind
Many thoughts you'd find
But you don't need to be there
To know, I'll always care.

I'm afraid of telling you:
"Wait and you shall see"
Of scaring you away by telling you:
"Grow old with me..."

~ Excerto De Um Belo TexTo ~

Faz-se tarde e frio.
La fora chove, o granizo bate na janela e os trovoes como la conseguem sacudir a casa.
Neste quarto escuro, os relampagos por sua vez, em grandes claroes, me vao mostrando a tua imagem; deitado de corpo nu por entre os lencois desta nossa cama!
Observo-te. Como tu es lindo.
O meu menino jesus.
Nao resisto entusiasmar-me pelo o teu corpo moreninho, por esses teus labios loucos e essas tuas maos atrevidas.
Sento-me ah tua beira, acariciando-te a face,... deslizando as pontas dos meus dedos pelo o teu pescoco,... pelo o teu peito,... pelo o meio do teu tronco, em torno do teu umbigo,... pela tua cintura (em movimentos horizontais), de lado a lado; e percorro uma vez mais o teu tronco mas inversamente... ate tocar a tua face de novo!
Passar os meus dedos pelos teus labios, aproximar os meus labios dos teus... e trincar-te o labio inferior devagarinho (enquanto te acaricio o lado direito do tronco), lamber-te o labio superior de mansinho... parando de te provocar; e voltar a beijar-te... no teu pescoco, subindo para a tua orelha, e la a trinco calmamente e sussurro:

"Como amo tudo o que es".

Lambendo-te a orelha de seguida... =p
Ja nao esta tao frio! A manta castanha que ah uns minutos me cobria
sobre os ombros, esta perdida no chao neste tempo indefinido (...)

(Nao te encontras tao calmo, eu disse-te que te ias inquietar)

.

Deixa-me dizer-te tudo isto em alto e bom tom,
Deixa-me praticar este meu dom.
Deixa-me viver esta tao desejada sorte!
Deus, deixa-me caminhar com este homem p'ra morte.

* Madrinha's Card *

"Just hang in there,
It's going to be okay.

Just give things a little time.
And in the meantime...
Keep believing in yourself;
Take the best of care;
Try to put things in perspective;
Remember what's most important;
Don't forget that someone cares;
Search for the positive side;
Learn the lessons to be learned;
And find your way through to the inner qualities...
The strength, the smiles, the wisdom,
And the optimistic outlook
That are such special parts of you.

It's going to be okay.

I know it will be.
Because I know you.

Love you, Madrinha."

This was the nicest thing I've heard in years... Thank you so much for being who you are! :)

~ O MeU arTisTa ~

~ Hoje nao te falei e a minha mente ficou logo tola... [o k me chamas, va-se la saber porque! lol] ~

♥ Deparo-me a pensar na vida ♥

A vida e vagabunda!
- So anda com ela quem quer.
A vida e prostituta!
- Apoderada as escondidas por ricos.
Eu olho a vida como uma tela!
Tem diversas cores, pinta-la com as que quiseres e gostares mais.
Foste tu que me deste a conhecer e sentir o vermelho da chama inves do azul.
E me apresentaste o cinzento com o intuito de me veres livre do antiquado e comodo preto e branco!
Entraste na minha vida derramando baldes de tinta! E com o tempo foste juntando cada qual, elaborando uma grande obra de arte.
Es o meu artista, o meu pintor. Que me retracta tal com sou e retoca as minhas imperfeicoes; que utiliza as cores em meu redor, para me favorecer, a minha imagem.

Foste tu, meu amor... que ao ver-me derramar lagrimas transparentes que nem tu, pelo verde do mar no horizonte acabar, que me disseste que eh la que o azul do ceu comeca!

~ BiGGesT MisTaKe ~

Sometimes I wonder, which was my biggest mistake.
And what are in fact mistakes?
Things you did wrong?
Things you didn't really want to do?
Things you knew it would be wrong to do?
What's wrong anyways?!
Is it a mistake only when someone gets hurt?
Or is it a mistake when you feel guilty of your actions?

I think therefore I'm responsible for my actions.
But what if there's a path to follow? Are the things you've done included?!
Mere bagatelle...

I did wrong in plenty of things.
[I'm not even going to mention them]
But all this to say, I hurt the person that I ended up loving.

What's worse:
Loving someone and not getting the same feeling in return?
Or Loving and hurting the person that loves you back?!
And if by hurting that person you lose the love that you could of had if you wouldn't of hurt them, does that take you to the first option? [loving someone that doesn't feel the same love in return] - and if indeed this happens; that shall be the biggest mistake of my life.

~ MaS Tu eS o QuE aFiNaL?! ~

Nao custa escrever coisas bonitas! -
Custa sim - escrever coisas bonitas e verdadeiras.

~

Tu nao es como o sal, que dissolve!
(mesmo dando tempero ah minha vida)
Nem como o acucar...

Nao es como o gelo que derrete!
Nem como a agua que congela!
Nao es o chao, ninguem te pisa...

Nao es o vento, nao vais e vens!
Se es o tempo? Eh porque levas o meu coracao!
Se nao o es, para sempre ficas comigo...

Nao es como o ferro, que enferruja!
Ou como a verga, que dobra.
(Embora te tenhas vindo a moldar... alternando)

Contudo, poderias ser o Sol...
Iluminas e aqueces as vidas de muita gente.
E ObRiGaDo PoR IluMiNaReS a MinHa!

~ Es O SoNhO QuE SoNhEi ~

Sinto saudades tuas... e dos teus abracos.
Das tuas caricias, das tuas maos de leve pelo o meu cabelo. Dos teus olhos a fixarem-me como que em pasmo da realidade dos nossos sentimentos.
Sinto-me tao protegida contigo tao distante. Estas perto de mim mesmo assim ausente.
Tu vives em mim, meu menino lindo. :)
Es a minha vaidade, o meu orgulho.
Vivo em prologo do nosso sonho; Da vida, de amor...
Es o que sou, sendo o que es.
Olho ah volta e nao compreendo aquele mundo. Em que estes desesperados vivem na ignorancia dos actos e dos sentimentos deslavados, pobres mortais.
Vou-me escondendo nesta minha pele, fecho os olhos para me perder na escuridao que estes me carregam, e por instantes sonho utopicamente...
... Vejo a tua preciosa imagem, que ira assombrar-me e perseguir-me ate adormecer. Irei sonhar contigo. Sonhar com o teu beijo doce e dos teus labios meigos. Ainda nao adormeci, mas sonho... Sonho que quase que me obriga a chorar de amor, a gritar o teu nome.
E neste momento, nestes instantes... que me sinto viva e feliz! Porque te amo, meu querido. Amo-te incontrolavelmente. Como se amanha nao existisse. Como se fosses transparente.
E neste espaco de tempo que anseio o teu corpo. Fazer-te feliz com quietude. Deixar a teoria deste sonho e por em pratica, este Nos. Que permanecera, ate haver apenas um de nos, que sera nenhum.

~ The Three WisheS ~

"If I could pick three wishes"
1st, I'd make me be the one he misses!
2nd, I'd create my own world, in PinK
and make him the only thing I'd think!

I'd give away my soul
With one purpose, one goal...
'Cause Life without him here
It's like a day with no sun

I wouldn't be able to live, dear
Without him, my life would be done!
So my last wish is my heart.

As for I wish, we'll never be apart;
That when he is caught by death...
... my life will be taken, in his final breath.