Not a choice.

I do not love you except because I love you;  I go from loving to not loving you,  From waiting to not waiting for you  My heart moves from cold to fire.  I love you only because it's you the one I love;  I hate you deeply, and hating you  Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you  Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.  Maybe summer light will consume  My heart with its cruel  Ray, stealing my key to true calm.  In this part of the story I am the one who  Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you, Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

All you need is you.

Do you know what makes my heart hurt? Listening to others tell me they are okay ignoring and neglecting what their heart is asking for, screaming for because they are scared of what will be, and terrified of leaving the comfort of the agonizing discomfort they are surviving in, day in and day out. Yesterday was the last straw for me. I haven’t felt anger in a while, but it made me angry to hear yet another sister, bargain with herself. I sat across from a lovely, strong, complicated, self sufficient woman who turned to a puddle of weakness in front of me as she made excuses as to why she should remain unhappy, misunderstood, unappreciated and imprisoned by choice, in a life, with a partner who no longer fulfills nor desires to listen to the needs of her heart. So, this morning when I woke up, I decided I’ve kept my mouth shut for long enough. I need to say this out loud— I’ve listened to one too many women make excuses and attempt to rationalize why they remain in a life that’s violating their spirits and trampling their esteem. I’ve been there, in that place, defending why I’m staying in an environment or with a person who has become a stranger to my soul. I am fully aware that there is no amount of inspirational dialogue, support or encouragement that could have dragged me out of there. Nothing was going to change, until I was ready, and then, one day, it became unbearable—my heart, my body, my mind was searing with pain and I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t concentrate on anything, but my misery. The distractions I created weren’t enough to squelch my burning needs, any longer. I know this may be an extremely socially inappropriate example, but it helped me, and was an appropriate visual of my heart at the time. I will never forget the images of September 11th, of the people who jumped from 100 stories high because the smoke and heat became intolerable. The only option was to leap. It came from a primal place, a protective place, to save themselves, even though death was their fate. Death is the absolute. We are all going to die. So, how do you choose to live? Even with death impending, you have a choice to live without the inflicted suffocation of containment in a life that will without a doubt destroy you, from the inside out—or you can fling yourself out of the window, into the open air and free of the destruction. If you’re waiting for the right day, the right time, the right amount of money, the right age of your children to be, the right moment—it will never come. You are going to have to do it knowing you can’t go back. Trust. Our world is in desperate need of all of us right now. We are being called to embrace our strengths and contribute to the world by doing our work. Just remember, every single moment you remain coiled in a ball of fear, our world fractures just a little bit more because your heart is breaking, aching to be acknowledged, by you. Listen, and then take action. Be brave. Save yourself, save the world.

Love me...now.

Love me Softly with your words Tickled with thoughts, pure Touch me gently In the places fingers get lost Suck me into your depth But first, I need to know — You aren’t going to leave It’s how I’m safe to feel Safe Safe Then, my mouth will fall To your lips Grasp for you In sweet allure Your eyes captivate The epitome Of trust Bottomless Is the well of your heart This This is where we’ll start.

Trust is a choice, not a feeling.

“You have to make a decision to take a leap of faith and trust him, or don’t, it’s your decision,” my best friend said to me the other day. I haven’t thought about it like that, ever—that trust is a choice, a state of mind. I always thought trust was a thing, something gained or lost, earned or destroyed, influenced by the actions of another. I assumed my ability to trust someone else was in their control, but trust really has nothing to do with the other person. The trust I have for someone else is determined by how much I trust myself, and hold myself accountable for decisions I make. This spring, I began reconciling with the man I love. Our relationship ended abruptly. It was devastating. A nightmare, really. I had no choice but to confront what happened and live my life again, without him. Things were said, things were done, on both of our parts. I had to learn how to forgive him and myself without conversation or contact. Over the coming months, I did forgive, and as I did, my shattered heart healed. I started trusting again—myself, that is. Wonderful things have happened over the past year. I traveled, went back to school, dated other people, but something was missing—him. I missed him in the way a rainforest misses rain, or winter misses snow. We found our way back to one another. We reconnected. We apologized. What we endured previously did not alter the fact that the love we share between us is mutual and unshakeable, except for one undeniable issue—I didn’t know if I could trust him again. I believe it is possible to love someone and not trust them. Love isn’t dependent on trust, and trust isn’t dependent on love, but trust has everything to do with a relationship. A relationship is dependent on trust. If I desire to have a relationship with the person I love, then yes, I must trust him. Trust is the mortar of connection, and the creator of the ability for two people to share a life together, harmoniously. Without trust, a healthy relationship is impossible. I’ve noticed some old patterns of mine resurfacing as he and I begin to rebuild. The other day, he said to me,“You want to trust me, you want to trust me more than anything, but I’ve done things to cause that trust to waiver. Now, you are trying to determine how to do it, how to believe me, again.” That is exactly my conundrum—how do I trust him again? This is what inspired the conversation I had with my friend, in which she reminded me of the power I have in this situation, in every situation. How do I do it? I just do it. Everything we do in life is done by making a decision, yes or no—trust is no different. I can trust him, if I choose to, or I can choose not to trust him—it’s solely my decision, a daily decision. Every day, I wake up, you wake up, we wake up, and we decide what to do, what to think, what to feel, who to spend our time with and who not to. We make choices of what to believe, and what not to believe. We decide who to trust, and who not to trust. Make a choice, and then, enter love. Love enters because love is faith. Love is hopeful. Love wants to believe. I love him so very much. I want to be a part of his every day and him, a part of mine. It is because of the faith I have in myself, the trust I have in my decisions, that I am able to take a leap of faith and trust. It will be a conscious choice I make every single day. Maybe it will change, but I trust this is the decision my heart needs and wants, now. I choose to trust. I choose to love. I choose to believe in him, and most importantly, I choose to believe in myself.

Botox

To me, the most beautiful people aren’t the ones who are "flawless".

If you have a life that’s full of laughter -- you are going to have wrinkles.

If you play, enjoy and spend time outdoors, you’re going to freckle.

If you live your life passionately, it’s going to show.

If you go through all of those things that carve away the bullshit and leave you raw and excellent and true—you aren’t going to have a expressionless, linelessphotoshoppedface.

You will be real.

That’s what makes you beautiful.

Unsaid love is it love...

For if I love you without knowing you that can’t be real love, the kind of love where two people say “I love you,” to one another, and mean it.

But it could be the kind of love, just possibly, perhaps, that goes unsaid, and so I shall unsay it unto you: I may possibly love you, in the way a pure clean ancient underground spring courses its invisible way below us, unseen, unknowing.

So I do not love you, and you do not love me, but it goes without saying, for it remains unsaid, for now: I do not love you, and you can not yet love me. 

Thoughts?

I see you.

I would like to see you. I would like to see you without your feeling pressured by me but rather with your feeling the courage and space and desire, the curiosity. I would like you to want to see me without you feeling seduced. I am done playing games with dating: for games are for winners and losers and I do not ever want to win against you, or for you to lose against me, and I do not want to lose against you or for you to win against me. For we are part of the whole, as Donne said, and your gain is mine and my loss is yours.

Love is about finding one’s match, which means we shall touch our minds and hearts together at once, and never condescend or aim for any goal between us but the truth...