* Why? * - long as hell -

Babe, what's been bothering you so?
Don't you love me anymore?
Has my loving not been sufficient?
Is there any rationale that's making you unsure?
I love you more than any other girl ever could.
... It's a worn out proclamation, I know.
But your love is an intoxication,
Each instant I back out from us,
I wind up begging for you some more...
And from a minus, you urge to a plus.
The best thing about tonight is that we are not fighting.
It couldn't be that we have been this way before,
I know you don't think that I am trying,
I know you're wearing thin down to the core...
...But hold your last breath!
It's not my intention, to make you upset.
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you,
Again, over again...
Don't make me change my mind!
I won't live to see another day,
I swear it's true...
A guy like you it's impossible to find.
So here's a clue;
Our love doesn't seem now, to have the same meaning,
We were over, when my each pound was kneeling,
So don't wake me if I'm dreaming,
Don't reminisce me, if your heart is screaming,
Don't screech for me, if your thoughts are still leaning.
Don't call me, if your insecurity is increasing.
Think about it...
Seriously, think about it...
Maybe you don't need me, our relation is already blazing.
Maybe you don't need me... aren't these thoughts amazing?
Because your voice will decay,
But my feelings for you will remain.
And since your dreams won't portray,
I just have to say...
My feelings for you, weren't in vain.
I can't live with pain and suffering for long, neither can you.
I can live with happiness and innocence, for that is need two.
I just can't believe you're not there for me,
But turns out you never were.
Just took awhile for me to see...
I break myself over and over and over again...
Only to rebuild my Self, especially for you,
And then I break again.
But I won't give up being built,
And I won't give up, us.
I hammer myself in my dreams,
I try to mold my dreams to perfection,
But perfection seems so impossible.
I never have the satisfaction...
I'm always not good enough, that's what it seems to me...
But how can perfection be true?
If I am what you want me to be?
And nothing is your fault.
No matter what I do,
No matter what I say...
I will always love you.
Because days will come and go,
But my feelings for you are forever,
No matter how many rocks I'll throw...
Love is forever and ever.
One last kiss, before I go,
Make one last wish, before it shows,
That your one last touch, that no one knows...
I'll reminisce, when we're paired no more.
You are stuck on me, like a gore.
(thinking)
He's more than a man,
And this is more than love,
The reason that the sky is blue,
The clouds are rolling in,
Because I'm gone again,
And to him I just can't be true.
I feel the dream in me expire,
And there's no one left to blame it on,
I hear you label me a liar,
'cause I can't seem to get this through.
You say it's over, I can sigh again, yeah,
Why try to stay sober when I'm dying here.
And I am aware now...
Everything is going to be fine one day...
I know, I know how!
Because it's too late, I'm in hell,
I am prepared, everyone is going to be alright.
One day too late: just as well...
Hopefully everyone will be out of my sight.
Conceivably, now, I see the picture clear,
I can feel my feelings expire, and it's just a mere.
Matter of time, before I let you go,
Strive coming back to me, it will be a NO!
Good times, good thoughts: They seem way far,
I wish I could let the pain stay buried inside,
Maybe have a friend-in-depression strum a little guitar,
Maybe we don't talk, but at least I'll have my friends by my side.
All the time, I wish I would lay to rest, forever,
All this time I thought I'd be the best for you, but never,
Again will I think the same about you.
... I know it's not true ...
But maybe I was meant to be just another friend,
Maybe then, the pains of missing you,
Would finally filter through!
If not an open diary,
Then at least be a torn page,
From a book, for me,
So that I read you...
Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road,
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go,
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why.
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time,
Oh and no need for you to cry.
It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right,
I hope you had the time of your life...
And so much for a goddamn wife.
So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind,
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time...
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial...
For what it's worth it was worth the while.
I tried to be perfect,
But nothing was worth it,
I don't believe it makes me real...
I thought it'd be easy,
But no one believes me.
It might sound cheesy...
But I meant all the things I said.
This place is so empty,
My thoughts are so tempting,
I don't know how it got so bad...
How can someone be so sad?
Sometimes it's so crazy...
That nothing can save me,
But it's the only thing that I have...
You know I am not lazy...
And believe me... it's in my soul.
I'd say all the words that I know,
Just to see if it would show,
What I'm trying to let you know!
Am I better off on my own?
I don't want to hear, I don't want to know,
Please don't say "sorry",
I've heard it all before,
And I can take care of myself,
And I can't take it anymore.
Please don't say "forgive me".
I've seen it all...
I already see the call.
I am not half the woman I thought I was...
Save your words because you've gone to far...
I've listened to your lies and all your stories...
And it's all going down to memories.
I'm not half the woman I'd like to be...
Just leave me alone... set me free.
Don't explain yourself because talk is cheap,
There's more important things than what you speak...
You stayed because I made it so convenient...
Don't explain yourself, you'll never see...
What I am... or what I'm trying to be!
I know my days are numbered,
I've been in and out of this phase,
But these days keep passing by,
It's all this intensive craze!
Good never comes my way...
And all I'm doing is make my mind sway.
I try to sit back and relax,
I would think of something good, I would...
Something else or something pure...
I can't but I know I should...
... Maybe that will be my cure.
No more waiting for something better to come along,
It's much easier to change me than it's to change them all...
Things I should have said, I should of been strong!
I think I'll need to shed all my skin and start again.
After all... All I have is things to gain.
... Oh, things I should of said,
Things that I regret...
And I regret some more.
How could I do such things since we met?
If it is you that I adore?
And every turn I made was wrong.
I haven't smiled sincerely in so long.
The memories I once had...
Weren't all ... entirely bad?

Why did you have to go with the tide?
Why?
Why aren't you by my side?
Why?
Why couldn't everything be fine?
Why?
Why can't it start again with "once upon a time..."?
Why?
Why couldn't our story last?
Why?
Why does it have to remain in the past?

20 Weird Things About Me ~ Try It ~

**RULE 1: Each player of this game starts off with 20 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself. Try it out. Make me laugh!**

#1 Every time I feel like something is crawling on me, I always think it's a spider. Usually it is. And those are the only "Effers" I totally despise.

#2 I've been all over the United States, Canada and Europe. (just because)

#3 I broke my nose when I was in 4th grade, because I was running away from this girl that was pretending to be a bull (don't ask me where I hit my nose, it's too embarrassing).

#4 When I sneeze, I always do it twice.

#5 When I have hiccups (or as normally pronounced "HICK-up" regardless of spelling), I always take 7 gulps of juice/water and it goes away. Magically.

#6 I've only been in love once.

#7 I can barely keep up a serious conversation. I have to always say a joke. In the end, in between or both.

#8 I always pee before I go to bed and when I get up. (to much info?)

#9 I'm always cold. (I've been with a sweater on the beach!)

#10 I don't like mirrors to much. Or lightening.

#11 I'm agnostic. (or just unsure, lost,...)

#12 I believe I know nothing.

#13 I dislike Shakespeare.

#14 I used to be chubby when I was a kid. (not fat...)

#15 If I had to give up sense it would be "taste".

#16 I always have to fix my hair after I take a shower.

#17 I brush, floss and waterpik my teeth everyday.

#18 I always wear something pink.

#19 I wish I could fly.

#20 I'm still searching for god.


** If you don't have 20 weird things about yourself, name... 15? 10? 5?

~ Without Hope ~

Words fall to dust
Actions fall short...
We all do as we must
Leaving nothing to last resort.

We all tend to dare
In things that don't matter...
We swear forever...
Even when we don't care.

We pretend so much...
Like love, honesty & things as such...
But we all have a clue...
That all that... is not true.

With or without you...
I must do what I got to do.
Whether you are there or not...
Me, is all I've got.

So let's stop living in La La Land
Let's all stop playing pretend.
I know and you know, it's untrue;
I don't love me, I can't love you.

[written YEARS ago... well written but so sad...]

Tenho dito...

Eu gosto de mim.

~ Behind every curtain... ~

Someone told me not too long ago that life is a theater.
A theater on which we act with no rehearsals.
Some people live on stage.
Others live backstage.

Worse of all, are those two that open and close the curtains.
They know exactly what to do,
but they limit themselves, sticking to what they know,
and feel comfortable doing.
Opening and closing those damn curtains, every time.
And when those curtains open... there it comes:
Life... Hope... Meaning of doing something useful...
But then, the curtains close...
And there it goes; all the purpose. All the effort. Everything.

Mental note: You cannot live your life being the rope person.
You cannot dedicate your life just allowing everyone and everything
shine but yourself and the person across the stage from you.

Eventually, you have to let go the ropes, both of you...
Start, your own scene.
It might be so hard, unexperienced...
But if you are going to do it, just do it!
Allow yourselves to live...
And if there's no tomorrow...
Oh well, today was written and played by you.

~ Puzzle ~

If we are all different how can two make a "whole"?
Think of it as a puzzle.
The puzzle is the "Bigger Picture".
The pieces are the "People".
Some pieces will never connect with other pieces;
Some others fit just fine.
With time every piece has an important roll,
even tho, some pieces will get used, abused...
... others get lost even destroyed!
(Some are just bad manufactured!
Not their fault, just happened to come in the box like that!)
But even all those pieces... that aren't so perfect
as some others, we can still tell what the bigger picture
is and the whole moral of all of them.
If all the pieces can work somehow as a "whole",
attaching themselves for a better vision of everything...
That's what they were made for.

It's Like I've Never Known Anything Else...

(Summer 08 - July)

I may not see you as often as I like
I may not get to hold you in my arms through the night...
But deep in my heart, I truly know
You Are The One...
That Special Someone...
That makes my eyes glow.
20 years and 7 months ago,
I whispered in your ear:
"You'll have to wait for me to grow
In 20 years, I will appear."
So for all those years, for you, I prayed.
Because this is what you said:
"So close your eyes and sleep to dream
I'm by your side, no words to speak,
If you wake up, oh please, don't freak.
If someone's here and it's not me, do not scream."
The days certainly didn't allow us to see each other,
But memories and hope did;
And so my heart bid:
That we wouldn't be able to live with another.
My eyes couldn't see you...
My soul said: "I do".
My heart was yours Forever.
It never forgot you, ever.
Every time I missed you
I did not go far...
I looked inside my heart...
"There you are!" - never apart.
Today, I'm certain, listen to what I say;
You are the sun in my day...
The waves in my ocean...
The wind in my sky...
You are all that 'causes emotion.
Without you? I would die.
So there's absolutely, no doubt
None of us ever forgot!
It was with us all along...
Sometimes lonely, sometimes strong.
You came to Earth before me
I told you: "The faster you'll go...
... the faster you'll be back, you'll see!"
The process was a bit slow.
But here we are,
My Emperor, My Tsar...
Forever, you and me.
I'm sure you'll agree.
We forsaken all the grime.
And we shall be, for the rest of time.
When I am down and I start feeling sad...
I know you are there and then I'm glad!
I am happy I found someone so true...
An honesty that helps and gives me a clue.
How to solve my problems when I don't know where to turn...
With your help, from my mistakes I will learn.
You are there for me each and every day
You make me smile and laugh in your little way.
I can't thank you enough for always being there...
I know I can trust you, I see that you care.
I love you lots as you already know.
I'm here for you, cheer you up when you're low.
I'm glad I found you and I'll always hold you near,
You will never be alone as for I am ALWAYS here.
Thank You, for never being apart;
I appreciate your kindness and your gold filled heart.
For all this and more, I want to be your wife...
It's like I've never known anything else in my life.

I Love You.